How To Stop Saying “Yes” When You Really Mean “No”?

Have you ever found the words “Yes.” “Sure.” “No problem.” coming out of your mouth before you realized the enormity of the commitment you just made?  You neither want to watch your friend’s kids, nor do you want to go out on another date with a person you’re not really into, or you get roped into an extra office assignment? Why does this happen to us so often?  It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Yet we still go ahead and suffer the consequences of what is known as “The Abilene Paradox.”

What is the Abilene Paradox? The phrase was coined by Jerry Harvey, Professor of Management Science at George Washington University, in an article written in 1974.  In it, he describes a disastrous family trip to Abilene, Texas, that entailed a round trip of 200 kilometers in intense summer heat, in a dust storm and in a car without air conditioning, all for a meal that none of them enjoyed. The paradox is that none of them wanted the trip in the first place, yet each of them said ‘Yes’! 

When you were two years old, you had little difficulty screaming, “No!” (by the way, check out this cute Video of a 2 year old toddler saying “No.” ) The more you said no, the angrier your parents got and your school teachers found it unacceptable.  As you grew older, it seems as if the word “No.” was drilled out of you in exchange for maintaining your friend’s and family’s loyalty and love. How did this happen?  

First, we want to fit in, so we say ‘yes’.  Going along with what your friend/partner/boyfriend seems to want can seem more important than putting our own needs first.  Second, we make assumptions about what others think and want. Saying ‘yes’ comes from that assumption.  Thirdly, we act out of fears of being criticized, rejected, abandoned, being hurt or hurting others if we say what we really think and want.  This perceived pressure to conform based on these fears or the imagined consequences lead us to doing things that we don’t want to do.  We turn into ‘Yes People’ and we feel torn, trapped, or taken advantage of, and as a result we are unhappy or annoyed with ourselves.  We give our power away!  So…

How To Stop Saying “Yes” When You Really Mean “No” to that trip to Abilene?

1. Consult your Intuition. When you find yourself on the verge of saying ‘yes’, pause for a couple of moments to take stock of whether you REALLY mean it. Check in with your tummy first, the feelings in that part of your body will always tell you whether something/someone feels right for you or not.

2. Ask questions. Don’t make assumptions about what others want and need.  Perhaps there’s other options, or ways of looking at a particular situation only if you had more information.  Maybe that guy who appears to be interested in you is not really into you, and if you took the time to ask him you would avoid going out on a date with someone you’re not into, who is not into you either!  

3. Be Assertive.  Assertiveness is the ability to articulate your wants and needs without infringing on or violating the rights of others. It is a direct, open and honest form of communication where you “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.” If, for example you are clear that a person is not a good fit for you and you don’t want to go out on another date, simply say to them “I’m not feeling the chemistry.” and then give them a compliment such as “You are a wonderful guy, and I’m sure the right person will feel extremely lucky to have you.”  Most people will understand that. After all, you can’t argue with chemistry.