In this article, I’d like to discuss what I call “The False Soulmate Syndrome”, something that almost everyone on the journey to Manifesting Love sooner or later falls into. I did. And chances are, you will too.
What is a False Soulmate?
Basically, The False Soulmate Syndrome (or “Copycat Soulmate”) arises when we first make a commitment to find love, and we begin to get very clear about what it is that we want to have in a partner, lover or soulmate. So, we create some kind of mental or physical list, or even a vision board with all the qualities, attributes, and characteristics that this person has. We also explore how it feels to have this person in our lives. The movie The Secret called it, ‘placing your order with the Universe’. I describe this process in more detail in my article ‘How to Manifest Love Using the Law of Attraction’.
Then what normally happens soon after we’ve gotten clearer about what we want, and we begin to open our hearts and clear our own inner and outer blocks to love is that the Universe, your Universe, soon responds by bringing into your life someone who either matches or closely matches all the qualities in your list. And, without hesitation, and wanting it so badly to be true, we immediately and prematurely announce to the world:
“I’ve found my Soulmate! I’ve found my One!”
Then, after the excitement wears off, and you slowly begin to get to know him or her along with all their faults, you start to see signs that they are most definitely not the one. The relationship is no longer flowing, you’ve lost your emotional connection, the chemistry is gone, and something just feels off but you can’t figure out why. Yet, because you told yourself so many times they were the one, and you even posted that cute picture of you two together in Facebook where you proclaimed your soulmate love to the world, you will do everything in your power to make it work. And, no matter how hard you try, how much you change, how much you try to please them, things are still not flowing, until either you or the other person does something that disappoints you or breaks your heart. And finally, all alone in your room, you have to find the courage to confront the ultimate truth: they are not “The One”. At this point, many lose hope or even give up.
In essence, you fell trap to the False Soulmate Syndrome. You were so desperate to find him or her, you were so needy, so impatient, that you rushed and claimed Soulmate Level Love, too quickly. And I don’t blame you for we live in such a fast-food culture, where people in movies fall in love and live happily only after 80 minutes, and we can buy pretty much anything with the touch of a button and have it delivered to our homes within 24 hours, that you expected your soulmate to fall out of the sky instantly.
If you take a moment to observe nature, and the way life really works, you’ll observe that everything in the physical universe is subject to stages of development or growth. Nothing just manifests out of thin air. For example, if you want to plant a garden, just writing a list of the plants you’d like in it, and designing it, is not going to be enough.
You have to prepare the earth, remove rocks and weeds, plant the seeds, water them, care for them, fertilize them, protect them from pests, and then keep this up until harvest time. Similarly, the process of Manifesting Love with your Soulmate also is subject to several stages of growth. SLOWING DOWN, and understanding these stages first, will help you avoid the False Soulmate Syndrome, and even accelerate your results.
The Four Stages to Soulmate Love
Kathryn Alice, one of my mentors in the area of love and relationships, says that there are 4 essential stages to Soulmate Love. Some of these stages may not be relevant to you, and you may not necessarily move through them in a linear fashion.
The First Stage is the Stage of Attraction
You enter this stage the moment that you make the commitment to:
- Manifest your Soulmate by moving into the Energy of FAITH, HOPE, and OPTIMISM that he or she is out there and that nothing can keep the two of you apart.
- Get clear about what it is that you want, and the key qualities, attributes, and characteristics that your soulmate has.
- Discover and start developing the many gifts of love that you have inside you, that you will then be able to share with your One.
- Begin to de-clutter your heart and your mind, release the past, and you start making room/creating space for him or her to enter into your life.
- Stop feeling incomplete or acting desperate and needy.
At this stage, you become a magnet for love and know that the best is yet to come. The key, at this stage, is to keep your energy high and move through your life confidently and with hope that nothing can keep you soulmate away from you, and that as you grow and develop the same qualities, attributes and ways of being within yourself as you hope to find in the person that you want to be with, you are already starting to navigate yourself into his/her arms.
The question you’re repeatedly asking yourself during this stage is not “Who will Love me?”, but “How can I radiate more Love?”
The Second Stage is the Dating Stage
Inevitably, this is a stage you cannot avoid for it is the stage where you begin to walk hand-in-hand with your One as you start getting to know each other. Now, I like to define ‘dating’ as anything that you do to get to know a potential romantic partner.
During this stage, you’re literally meeting and trying out different people to see if they’re a fit. There’s no commitment; you are just trying out the arena, connecting with people and simply having fun.
Depending on your personality and culture, you might even be dating several people at the same time. I’m not saying that you must have sex with all of them, but at this stage, you simply are exploring your options and casually getting to know people, without any agendas or preconceived ideas of what a date has to look like.
You move through this stage confident that you will find love and easily release anyone who is not a good fit for you. It’s easy to let them go simply because you know that you don’t have to settle for less than what you want and that your one is out there, and nothing can keep the two of you apart.
The question you’re repeatedly asking yourself during this stage is not “Is this my soulmate?”, but “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself, and the person that I’m dating?”
This stage continues until you find the person who is a good fit for you. Someone with whom things begin to flow. Someone who is available, and with whom you have crackling chemistry and you enjoy being with each other so much that you decide to move into…
The Third Stage of Soulmate Love, the Stage of Commitment
At this stage, you consciously and willingly make a commitment to be exclusive, but not necessarily to be together for the rest of your life. You move beyond society’s preconceived ideas about what relationships are supposed to look like, and you begin to set your own parameters for what you will and won’t allow. You commit to being in the kind of relationship that works for you, and that allows love, freedom, and creativity to flow into both your lives.
You continue to date and explore each other, while you remain cautious and take things slowly. You may or may not live together, yet being with each other feels just right, as you continue to discover each other’s rhythms and learn to embrace a new way of being in a relationship where the best of you is being brought forth.
The question you’re repeatedly asking yourself during this stage is not “What will I get from this person?”, but “How can I share the many gifts within myself with the person I’m with?”
The Fourth Stage is the Soulmate Stage
At this stage, after dating and being committed to having the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamt, you decide to get married or make a formal commitment of some kind. And you decide to share the rest of your lives with each other. You also realize that you have come together for an even greater purpose, and that is uplifting the planet with your love. You discover that together, you can bring greater love into our planet, than the love you would have brought individually had you not found each other. Your love will inspire everyone who comes into your presence.
The question you’re repeatedly asking yourself during this stage is, “How can our Love continue to inspire us, while we inspire others?”
Ultimately, a relationship with someone who is not your soulmate will not work out. Just like a beautiful garden, a soulmate level relationship will require great patience, commitment, and time. It will also require great work, for chances are, that this relationship will bring out not just your best qualities, but also your biggest fears and insecurities.
The journey towards the arms of your beloved is ultimately a journey where you and another person slowly open to the greatest mystery of love and life, and do it consciously, together, because that’s what you both want, what your hearts and souls crave, and because the fruits of your love will make this world a better place. So, slow down, enjoy every step along the way, and be patient.
“Infinite patience produces immediate results”, A Course in Miracles says. Let this be your mantra as you go out on dates. Take the time to get to know someone SLOWLY, in the same fashion our grandparents did.
Feel free to leave your comments below.
From my heart to yours,
Photo by Sam Manns