THE PARADOX OF LOVE: The more you try to get others to love you, the more unloved you feel.
The harder you try to communicate a loving and likable image of yourself so that other people won’t find out how unloved and unworthy you really feel, the more unworthy and unloved you feel inside.
The more time and effort you put into pleasing others so that they too can love, accept, and please you, the less accepted and loved you feel.
The more you go out of your way to love others with the expectation that they too will love you in return, the less love you receive and – as Paulo Coelho tells us – the more you’re wasting your time.
A Vicious Cycle You Can’t Get Out Of
In my work as a coach, I’ve seen the Paradox of Love playout in all my clients, from a multi-millionaire to an Olympic athlete, to a highly revered Spiritual Leader in South Africa.
I’ve seen it play out in most of my relationships with friends, family, romantic partners, and business partners.
The Paradox of Love is at play in me each time that…
I secretly hope others will like me, even if I don’t like them.
I pretend to feel comfortable with someone new even when I am feeling nervous, insecure, and ungrounded.
I act as if everything is okay by smiling to cover up my feelings of inadequacy, sadness or anger.
I give myself entirely to someone expecting that they too will do the same, only to have my heart broken yet again.
I check my Facebook or Twitter feed hoping someone liked what I shared but later feel empty inside.
I rather appear strong by helping others than risk looking weak by asking for help.
I secretly hope that you’ll like me because of all of my achievements or special skills I have.
More often than not, I am fully aware of what I am doing, yet I keep doing it anyway. It is a vicious cycle you can’t get out of.
The Only Way Out
Jesus the Christ once said, “The truth shall set you free” and “What you do not bring forth will destroy you.” AA members are reminded of the same when told, “You are only as sick as the secrets you hold.”
True freedom is always found on the other side of your secrets.
Each time you give yourself permission to be fully real and authentic with yourself and others, you bring much-needed love and acceptance to that hidden part of you that feels ashamed, not enough, unworthy or broken.
That’s the way out.
Fully embracing all the unlovingness within yourself is what allows others to embrace you fully.
Fully loving and accepting yourself is the only way to have other people’s love and acceptance.
Fully embracing the ultimate truth that you are already loved, safe and worthy is the first step towards having all the love you seek from others.
This requires a willing, giving, loving and courageous heart.
Are you willing to courageously reveal your darkest secret?
Are you willing to start giving to others only for the sake of giving?
Are you willing to love ALL that you are wholeheartedly?
Hi, I am Gabriel Gonsalves, and I secretly hope that you’ll love me, want to work with me, or at least be inspired by this article.
From my heart to yours.
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